ok so i've graduated.
now, what?

sadly, i have no answer. it's like when i was younger, i've always had "goals" of sorts.
O levels, A levels, get into a uni and get that fucking degree.
then what?

i'm going to turn 22 this year and i've yet to find out what i fucking want to do with my life.
it's kinda pathetic, actually.

once, i was set on getting into the medical industry. but that didn't happen. (too stupid for medicine, too poor for studies in aussie) so i just stuck to nus, made some stupid choices but couldn't do anything about it due to certain reasons. a friend once told me, "everything happens for a reason". cliché. but i just forced myself to believe it cos there's nothing else i could've done about it anyway.

another time, i thought about going into banking. you know, all the excitement, back-stabbing, money. that's never a mundane job.
but then i think abt the high-stress level and i get put off.
i don't think i'll be very happy doing that.
and i've always said that i wanna die happy.

for quite a few times, i think about all these and i get nowhere and i'll get a little bit depressed. it's like i'm going through a fucking mid-life crisis.
at 21.
hah.
waty asked, "does that mean you'd die at 42??"
hahaha

was talking to waty abt uni and we both expressed a little bit of regret for choosing what we did. and there was a fair bit of bitterness on my end too.
bitter because before i applied to nus, i distinctly remember seeing something about actuarial studies in their brochure. that was smthg that i might be interested in. but once admitted, where the fuck was actuarial studies anywhere in nus?? i didn't do anything about it cos i was young. i wasn't thinking.

and at that point, there were too much information about everything and i admit, i might have feigned ignorance because i was overwhelmed.

we had a lot of "what-if"s and "if-only"s.
"what if we had done smthg we had really wanted to do?"
"would we have done better in school?"
we reckoned we would. haha.. and we weren't saying all this out of pride or lack of humility.
i'm not one who thinks realllly highly of myself but i really do think that i have a lot of potential and that given something i'm interested in, i would most probably excel in it.

this brings me to my next rant.
right now, i'm pretty much not doing anything with my life.
i haven't done up my cv, i haven't cleared my volunteer hours, i haven't done anything.
so i just decided to look up Masters of Actuarial Studies.
that got me all excited- like it's a possibility. something that i WANT to do.

i was reading up on the course fees, course material and i was actually interested to find out more about it.
this is me i'm talking about.
stuff to do with studying and actually being interested about it - totally never existed together in uni.(french and mandarin are exceptions of course)
so yeah, this feeling was something relatively new to me.
but then this good feeling came crashing down, why?
i saw the entry requirements.
fuck, they're high!

to get into the UNSW programme, my CAP has to be a minimum of 3.5.
i've only got 3.3, thanks.

ANU requires a B- average. i qualify for this, but then i saw something else.
"additional requirements apply for entry into the Actuarial Studies"

and Macquarie Uni requires "A Bachelor degree with an overall GPA of 3.0 (out of 4.0) with at least the equivalent of Macquarie's first year mathematics units and a GPA of 3.0 for all mathematical/statistical units undertaken."
yeah, i've got Cs for maths, thanks.

i told hamma this was depressing.

and now i'm right back where i started from. i feel helpless.

people have been helpful though. my parents have been pushing me to do something. that's not really helping me but at least they're gonna attend an investment talk with me tmr.
diana mailed me links for job opportunities.
shikin has been bugging me to apply for a job in STB.
to these pple, thanks for showing concern! it really means a lot to me. :)

on a side note, i got A+ for French! wheeee! my one and only A+ in uni.
azhani said, "i swear you went to uni only to take french".
hahaha
i think she might be right.